#20

2020.

Old me, new decade. 

Same soul, distraught mind.

Truth untold, unfolds, heart declines.

Lost soul, lost mine.

Where do I go from here?

To leave everything.

Left to the imagination. 

I blinked. And then I blinked again. Moments later I realised it's a different year, nay, a different decade altogether. Immediately, I was clueless as to what to do with such information. 23 years being in this skin of uncertainty. A lot of things I'd do differently, too many things I want to change, some things I simply can't. I'm stuck in a vigorous journey of finding my self-identity; "you are who you are," I always tell myself. Indeed, I am who I am. But.... who am I? Can that question even be answered with people all around constantly attempting to define what makes me the person still standing today? Funny, the one person that got me standing to this day.... is me. I got by with my self, I got by with music. I can't rap (anymore) but I sure can tone-deafly sing wherever I am. With that being said, I will start 2020 with a little recommendation. A local band known as Midnight Fusic. This stripped version of one of their songs brought me into a state of melancholy that was heavy to the heart, but had put my soul into an unspoken peace.

Pick of the Week

"Hold on till the end. That's what I intend to do," I hum to myself as I watch the movie Grease. The first one, of course. The second movie was just something no one asked for but was given anyway, and it was mediocre for a sequel to an incredible movie. I need a time machine. I need to go back to the days of singularity. I would love to go back to the times where I would make mistakes and tell my old self that it will get better. Unfortunately, I did not get the chance to believe it back then. Compliments felt foreign, emotional support confused me. Are people supposed to be nice to me? How are you supposed to be treated by society? Family? Friends? Even strangers? Because I've been treated horribly even by the people who barely knew me. How would I look at the world after being betrayed by both the people I trust and the people who only knew me by my name. Heh, my name. Words I hear coming from the mouth of people but constantly makes me question my existence. Time will heal, yes, but I lost track of time as I was finding the road to recovery with burning intensity. I hate hearing my name. It hurts to be reminded of who I am but have absolutely zero idea of who am I. I'm hurt. That's who I am. I am person who has been hurt, still hurting, and see a future of still being in pain. 2020. The year of breaking vicious cycles, no? Because I'm in.

I'm starting the year with ample self-love and respect. It's time to put aside labels, stigmas, stereotypes, and any previous thoughts I've had for myself and it's time to look forward. I have baggage. A LOT of them. I was foolish to think my baggage would not burden me and the people around me for this long. I'm a fool for believing that I would be loved despite everything going on with my life. To love I say fuck it. Not right now, not before I recover. I don't see myself growing as a person if I'm too busy trying to grow as a 'couple'. Even the sound of the word brings worry and anxiety to me. As I try to navigate my life into the path of freedom, I believe in support from the environment. Spiritual support, emotional safety nets. Anything that could make me feel like I'll be okay, I used to love them all. But what about the times where I wouldn't have anything to make me okay? I would need myself and only myself to find calm, composure, and strength. That's where I'm lacking. I lack self-love.

It's true. I can't do this with people on my back expecting me to go their way. It's time I abandon my usual trail of safety and truly discover the depths of my possibly huge heart and channel them into the one person who deserves love the most, myself. I have absolutely lost all desires to fulfill people's needs. I am only concerned of how I am going to get through life and I need to get this right. I need the proper coping mechanism and I need the right foundation in order to take myself to this adventure of self-discovery. In my mind, I'm scared. But truth be told, I'm only scared of my own self. The idea of fixing my own problems, self-reflecting upon mistakes and poor choices in life. Where do I go from there? I only have growth as a direction. Much like our lovely plants of the nature, different parts of the flower will seek direction for different advantages of nutrients. Water, for roots to search to benefit the whole plant by providing H2O and hydration. Sunlight, a plant's best friend especially for the shoots to successfully provide energy for photosynthesis to take place. Gravity, another choice of direction subjective to the nature and desire of the plant.

But how about me? A human being with very little desire for happiness and possess the most basic needs to survive. Before I figure out how to love myself, I have to first figure out what I want from life. And if I'm being completely honest, I feel like I just want to sleep. It seems like the easier option than the long winding road of adventures into the unknown, where the unknown being my incapabilities of finding happiness and peace. I need to get away. From everyone. I need to be strong for myself. With hopes that one day I will slowly discover what the world truly has to offer for me. It's time to stand up and love myself and walk this dark road on my own. I appreciate moral support, but it seems like I need to find this on my own. What may work for me may not work for anyone else. I don't need anyone to judge my decisions or get upset over what I want. What I want is what I want. And again, what I want right now is sleep. I'm out. Happy 2020, dear self. Don't fuck up too much.

Sincerely,
The Silent Writer.