#20

2020.

Old me, new decade. 

Same soul, distraught mind.

Truth untold, unfolds, heart declines.

Lost soul, lost mine.

Where do I go from here?

To leave everything.

Left to the imagination. 

I blinked. And then I blinked again. Moments later I realised it's a different year, nay, a different decade altogether. Immediately, I was clueless as to what to do with such information. 23 years being in this skin of uncertainty. A lot of things I'd do differently, too many things I want to change, some things I simply can't. I'm stuck in a vigorous journey of finding my self-identity; "you are who you are," I always tell myself. Indeed, I am who I am. But.... who am I? Can that question even be answered with people all around constantly attempting to define what makes me the person still standing today? Funny, the one person that got me standing to this day.... is me. I got by with my self, I got by with music. I can't rap (anymore) but I sure can tone-deafly sing wherever I am. With that being said, I will start 2020 with a little recommendation. A local band known as Midnight Fusic. This stripped version of one of their songs brought me into a state of melancholy that was heavy to the heart, but had put my soul into an unspoken peace.

Pick of the Week

"Hold on till the end. That's what I intend to do," I hum to myself as I watch the movie Grease. The first one, of course. The second movie was just something no one asked for but was given anyway, and it was mediocre for a sequel to an incredible movie. I need a time machine. I need to go back to the days of singularity. I would love to go back to the times where I would make mistakes and tell my old self that it will get better. Unfortunately, I did not get the chance to believe it back then. Compliments felt foreign, emotional support confused me. Are people supposed to be nice to me? How are you supposed to be treated by society? Family? Friends? Even strangers? Because I've been treated horribly even by the people who barely knew me. How would I look at the world after being betrayed by both the people I trust and the people who only knew me by my name. Heh, my name. Words I hear coming from the mouth of people but constantly makes me question my existence. Time will heal, yes, but I lost track of time as I was finding the road to recovery with burning intensity. I hate hearing my name. It hurts to be reminded of who I am but have absolutely zero idea of who am I. I'm hurt. That's who I am. I am person who has been hurt, still hurting, and see a future of still being in pain. 2020. The year of breaking vicious cycles, no? Because I'm in.

I'm starting the year with ample self-love and respect. It's time to put aside labels, stigmas, stereotypes, and any previous thoughts I've had for myself and it's time to look forward. I have baggage. A LOT of them. I was foolish to think my baggage would not burden me and the people around me for this long. I'm a fool for believing that I would be loved despite everything going on with my life. To love I say fuck it. Not right now, not before I recover. I don't see myself growing as a person if I'm too busy trying to grow as a 'couple'. Even the sound of the word brings worry and anxiety to me. As I try to navigate my life into the path of freedom, I believe in support from the environment. Spiritual support, emotional safety nets. Anything that could make me feel like I'll be okay, I used to love them all. But what about the times where I wouldn't have anything to make me okay? I would need myself and only myself to find calm, composure, and strength. That's where I'm lacking. I lack self-love.

It's true. I can't do this with people on my back expecting me to go their way. It's time I abandon my usual trail of safety and truly discover the depths of my possibly huge heart and channel them into the one person who deserves love the most, myself. I have absolutely lost all desires to fulfill people's needs. I am only concerned of how I am going to get through life and I need to get this right. I need the proper coping mechanism and I need the right foundation in order to take myself to this adventure of self-discovery. In my mind, I'm scared. But truth be told, I'm only scared of my own self. The idea of fixing my own problems, self-reflecting upon mistakes and poor choices in life. Where do I go from there? I only have growth as a direction. Much like our lovely plants of the nature, different parts of the flower will seek direction for different advantages of nutrients. Water, for roots to search to benefit the whole plant by providing H2O and hydration. Sunlight, a plant's best friend especially for the shoots to successfully provide energy for photosynthesis to take place. Gravity, another choice of direction subjective to the nature and desire of the plant.

But how about me? A human being with very little desire for happiness and possess the most basic needs to survive. Before I figure out how to love myself, I have to first figure out what I want from life. And if I'm being completely honest, I feel like I just want to sleep. It seems like the easier option than the long winding road of adventures into the unknown, where the unknown being my incapabilities of finding happiness and peace. I need to get away. From everyone. I need to be strong for myself. With hopes that one day I will slowly discover what the world truly has to offer for me. It's time to stand up and love myself and walk this dark road on my own. I appreciate moral support, but it seems like I need to find this on my own. What may work for me may not work for anyone else. I don't need anyone to judge my decisions or get upset over what I want. What I want is what I want. And again, what I want right now is sleep. I'm out. Happy 2020, dear self. Don't fuck up too much.

Sincerely,
The Silent Writer.

#19

Double posts for today as I've been MIA for so long. As promised, I'm going for a specific topic. This is something I've been holding on to for quite a while. Right now is absolutely the most appropriate time to let the cat out of the bag. I'm going to talk about one of the most pathetic people in the world and that is people who envies another's happiness.

Disclaimer: This is not an indirect post although I'm sure most of you would feel offended. If you do, you have issues with yourself, not me.

There are so many bad people in the world. If I were to list them all, I would have to quit school and be stuck in front of my laptop all day. But this very very specific type of bad people is by far the worst.

Have you ever had a 'friend' who would go against EVERYTHING you do. Especially when the things you do makes you happy. Well, I'm sure everyone does. And I know how I always say everyone is a hypocrite but I can assure you that this sickness is not found in everyone. I know this may sound stupid but I have never envied someone for their happiness. Yes, I literally mean never. Believe it or not, that's not my problem. My truth is for me to believe, not you.

Anyway, If you have such friend, I feel you. Let me enlighten you about this particular type of person I've been speaking of. I will explain in my own words of how I describe these people and then you're free to judge your friends and find out if any of them does the same. Let's.

1. Bad-mouthing
It's absolutely no surprise that your friends would bad-mouth you, directly or indirectly. That's no surprise because some people nowadays are really awful. However, there's a specific type of bad-mouthing that you should keep an eye on. Okay look, people can talk bad about you behind you. They can talk about your flaws, your past, your mistakes. And that's absolutely normal. It's bad, but it's normal. But what do you think of someone who talks about you but all about the good things you're going through? These people won't quit. Whether you're doing something nice or not doing anything at all, they would still put you in their sinful conversations. Why? Because it's not about what you did, do, or will do. It's about you having a brilliantly interesting life and they just so happen to have a boring one. A really boring life that would literally bore the hell out of someone so they choose to put your life in a conversation instead. Doesn't that make sense? And if it doesn't to you, tell me this. Why would anyone talk about you when they have nothing to do with you? It's foolish and pathetic. Gainsay all you want. You know what you're doing wrong.

2.  Ganging
Just because you're against something, you just have to get the whole world to go against with you. Why? When were you put to this Earth to replace satan's spot, dragging one another to the horrendous hell hole? Why would you do that to your 'friends'? And I find it ridiculous how someone would join such sinful activity by being a horrible person. And for what cause? What do you really get from this? Just because you dislike someone or something, even for the stupidest reasons, don't drag someone in your mess. You have a sick heart, you have issues with people, you have a sad and boring life. Why invite others to join your pathetic crew? I mean do you honestly feel stronger when people are by your side, hating with you? Because if that's the case, wow you're weak..... You can't fight your own battles so you get people to join your stupid problem; not realizing you're behind the gun's trigger the whole time. You seriously need help.

3. Wreckers
Doing the first two things I stated is still fine if you're doing it silently. But once you start showing your pathetic protest by action, you're falling into the deepest yet saddest hole of 'your-life-must-really-suck' and I'm suggesting help. Like therapy or something because your heart is truly sick and broken. I mean honestly, why would anyone hurt someone who has never done harm to you? That's rubbish! Once again, I know everyone's a hypocrite but really though? Do you honestly have to go wreck one's life for absolutely no reason?

Ugh this topic annoys me so much. It's crazy to think that some people can have such an ugly heart. Seriously I give up. If you have friends like this, get new ones. You don't deserve the drama. That's all for now since I got so disgusted by the topic. Bye.

Sincerely,
The Desolated Writer

#18

A massacre of desolation is what I am for the past few months. Indeed, I was away. But I wasn't missed. And I'm sure that's all that matters honestly. Anyhow, hi. It's been quite a while. My life has been a wreck lately. It was a long, sweet, painful but brilliant wreck. The ones where you come back, begging for more. Yes, that's basically my life for the past 4 months? 5 months? In another words, my life is amazingly sorrow.

Where do I start? Honestly I have absolutely no clue. This could just be an introduction for my NEW new beginning. I'm emphasizing new twice because I've been wanting to start fresh several times but it's all just another fail I can laugh at. Currently, I'm going for my 5th "new start" and I hope to keep this one real and alive. Slowly, but surely.

Blogging will be compulsory for me from now on. I'll try to put up at least 2 entries weekly. It's not that I wasn't on my laptop or anything. It's just that every time I switch it on, I get stuck on YouTube for at least 15 hours watching weird sitcoms and not blog at all. So from now on, I'll probably blog before I do anything whenever I switch my laptop on. That's a quest for me to fulfill.

I know my blog is nothing compelling but it's quite a hobby for me. I blog for myself. If you were to read my blog, that would be for yourself, not me. I entertain myself and no one else.

However, I enjoy blogging to help some people out there. Closeted people, introverts, or anyone to be perfectly honest. I like posting entries that motivates people or anyone that picks up interest. My point is, I enjoy what I do and I'll keep doing it when I can. It may not captivate you but that's not what I'm here for so deal with it, I guess?

My next entry would be helpful for those with a sick heart who constantly envies happy people. Especially when it has completely nothing related to them. They just have awful sickness in their hearts that absolutely needs help. Until then, laters.

Sincerely,
The Desolated Writer

#17

Let's just say, I'm pressing the "Restart" button for my life because that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to delete every negative vibe I can possibly delete & replace them with amazing positive ones. Why? Because a wise father once told me to take the good in bad. Apparently, my bad is all bad so why not throw away the bad and take the good I pushed away for the bad. Make sense, no? I'll enlighten you here.

I've always been mean to myself all these years. I cared about what people thought. I organized everyone's happiness but forgot my own. I let people take me for granted because back then, I thought I don't have anyone else. But when I thought deeper, I do have other people. So much more people. A negative thought will destroy your life and all the happiness in it.

I literally thought I didn't have friends, back then. But now I realize I have so many friends I pushed away because I thought my old "friends" were true to me. I was proven wrong for the past few months. I want to deeply apologize to my old friends whom I neglected for so long. I know how it feels and I'm really really sorry. It took me a month to see what true friends I have behind me, supporting me at all times when my "friends" were dissing me. I'm contented, blessed even, to have amazing people like you guys.

I was put to a huge test by God to see how good I am with patience and let me be the first to say that to be very honest, I took the test really nicely. I wasn't triggered to repeat my old mistakes like self-harming or cussing like an idiot. All I did was pray. Pray that I get a huge and useful lesson from the test and you know what? I really did.

Life is not about what you have, had or will have. It's about how you're grateful with no matter what you have. Test or blessing, be grateful with all. Because life is way too short to regret anything. And it's also too short to be wasted on chasing people who's not worth your time. Trust me, no one is worth your time but God.

Truth be told, I'm not a pious lady myself. I'm not deeply devoted to my religion. To me, not deep enough; will never be deep enough. But I know well enough that God will always be there if you call upon Him. And when you're in trouble, only God is worth being called upon because He gave you the test, He will grade you, He will determine whether you failed or aced the test. So why ask someone else to grade your test for God? It's His and only His job.

By the end of the day, we're put on Earth to prepare for our ukhrawi as perfect as we possibly can, & never for duniawi. Yes, we sometimes may slip on our own words but true people will stand up, make up for it and improve. As I said before, I'm not a pious lady. I'm nowhere near being reverent whatsoever but I make up for it, & improve. I believe everyone should in order to make this world a better place for the next generation.

More to come.

Sincerely,
The Abstruse Writer

#16

I really don't want to procrastinate because once I start, it takes forever to stop. Anyway, hey guys. Part 2 of my part 2. The entry earlier. I'm here to make sure you people make the right choices because I always see tweets about being there for a friend but a friend isn't there for them when they need it. Why? Maybe because your friend isn't a friend enough to do his/her job as one. What is a friend? What are the signs that shows he/she is a good friend? Time for some enlightening lol

A friend is someone who is willing to go through rough moments with you. Someone who would stand up for you when you're in trouble. Or simply a friend who would listen to your problems and do whatever it takes to make you smile. Friends are people who wouldn't mind going through pain just for you because he/she is a good enough person to have a heart. A friend is someone who cares about you, and about your life problems. Someone who has a heart, basically.

Why are you making the wrong friends? It doesn't matter how long you've been friends with them, or how much you both have in common. If they don't treat you as a friend, you shouldn't treat them like one. Just please don't waste your time on someone who doesn't make time for you. Don't swim across the sea for someone who wouldn't even jump a puddle for you. It's simple as that.

Choosing your friends may sound difficult but it's actually not. Those cliques you hang around with till the end of the day, do you honestly think they would be there for you when the distance is far away? Some might. If they are your true best friends. But I believe 80% of the "best friends" you make in high school would probably turn into strangers once you go on your own separate ways. Don't believe me? Just wait.

Maybe for the first few months, you might still keep in contact with them. But what happens in a few years? When everyone is busy doing assignments, raising a family, taking care of their folks. You think you can "hang" the way you used to back in the old days? I don't really think so. If they can't be there for you during the good times, what makes you think they'll be there for you for your hard moments in life?

Everyone has their own problems and while trying to settle them, we gain more problems trying to solve other people's issues. Only a true friend would sacrifice to help you get through your problems while the others would just hear it out of curiosity. This is only the cold truth. Ending high school with 2 or 3 best friends would be a blessing. They will stay for you through thick and thin. Not those fake "happy cliques" who constantly back stabs each other.

Why waste your time? If you know they're not good friends, then stop befriending them. It's the easiest thing to do. You may lose them but they lost a really good friend and in my opinion, they're the ones losing. Not you. A good friend is made for another good friend. A fake friend? They'll be given a fake friend and one day, karma will hit them. Cliche, I know. But I believe in karma. I've experienced it so many times.

I've been having writer's block since the beginning of the entry therefore, I'm ending this with a cliffhanger. Sorry guys. It's 10:45 pm here in Malaysia. Stay safe wherever you guys are.

Until next entry.

Sincerely,
The Abstruse Writer

#15

Ready for part 2, guys? Time to continue my stories about the rough month I had. This issue, like the first one, sounds pathetic as well. If a break up doesn't sound pathetic to you, losing a best friend might. Do I really have to go in to details because I might say something wrongly. Nonetheless, I'm going to enlighten you people about the horror I had to go through during this time period. First, an introduction about the matter.

I had a best friend. Been there for me for 8 years & I enjoyed every moment. Until true colors appeared. Truly obvious. It was horrendous. Reality is, I've been in this situation way too many times, by the same person, over probably the same reason too. I'm just dumb enough to let her back in my life because I've given her everything but she never appreciates me. Also, I can't name one thing she's ever given me other than a good laugh.

Not to sound like a total brat whatsoever but it's the ugliest truth people has to face. No matter how much effort you put on someone, they'll be disgusting enough to not learn to appreciate. I don't understand why. It's so difficult to tell a story because no matter what I say or do, I'll always be a hot topic for her to mock. She can pretend like it's not true but reality is, I have friends who are loyal enough to tell me the things she said. But in my opinion, it's fine. I don't forgive her. And I don't expect her to forgive me since I didn't do the shit she does to me so I won't need it anyway. Story time!

One day, she suddenly decided to hate me. Just out of the blues. She would talk about me in front of me. Point and laugh. Whisper and laugh. At that point, I was truly clueless. What went wrong? Didn't matter to me because she does that to other people with me so I figured, it's just a lifestyle for her to talk about others. Not a problem to me. Until people started telling me about this ONE lie. Just one rumor she started spreading that ticked me off. That was the last straw for a liar like her so I talked to the only person I trusted, my ex.

Little did I know, he would tell his best friends about my issues. And coincidentally, his best friend was dating her. And then drama started when he knew about this matter. I was indignant at the lies she told people so I told him the story. Maybe, just maybe, the story wasn't true TO HER but it was the truth I was told by eyewitnesses. Who am I supposed to believe? People in the situation or a backstabber? Go figure. Anyway, I told my ex's best friend about the problem I was going through and surprisingly, he was helping me. But she had the nerves to tell everyone that what I told him was a lie? And told people the reason she's sending so much hate is because I told one lie? That lie wasn't even a lie. It's what I was told from so many people. And I only told him the story because initially, she sent so much hate first.

What do you guys think? She sent hate for no reason and when I do one thing about it, she says that that's the reason behind her rudeness. And she's been telling people I'm two-faced? Wow. Just wow. I would really like to know your opinion about this. This is the most general way I can tell the story. Because I don't give other people bad names unlike her. If you're self-inflicted over this entry, you must be doing something wrong. I don't always rant but this matter is truly pointless. What did I do wrong? And what did she do "right"?

It doesn't matter, to be honest. She's been like this since forever. Using me since only God knows when. Her behavior is awful and I'm glad I lost her. I may lose a best friend but I didn't lose in life. God basically saved me from the horror of befriending the wrong people. However, God gave me 4 incredible people in my life. And individually, they're better than a million of the "best friend" I lost. Yeah, that's how awful her true colors are. I don't need her. I don't need her forgiveness either. I'm sure I did nothing wrong to her. Wouldn't forgive her for the b-crap she did behind my back tho. It's really not my problem.

Initially, I wanted to talk about "true friends" but I guess I'll do that in another entry since I've talked so much in this one. If you're inflicted by the entry, it's not my problem. I'm a forgetter but I'm definitely not a forgiver to those who aren't even sorry. None of my concerns about what happens to their life afterwards. I'm blessed with the people I have now, with God by my side always. I'm already the luckiest girl in the world. :)

Next post coming up!

Sincerely,
The Abstruse Writer

#14

I know I know. I blog way too seldom to be named a "blog" but I swear I have my reasons. For the past couple of weeks, my life has been at its worst. I really hate talking about my personal weakness but it's the least I can do for not blogging often. Well, no one cares about how often I blog but I just feel like I should at least have the courtesy to explain myself. Such a one-sided introduction but whatever. As I said before, my life has been awful lately. Really really really bad. I was at the point where I thought I didn't have to live because the pain was somehow "unbearable" at first. But surprisingly, things got better.

I would love to sit around and express about my rough month but what benefit will any of you get from it? I'm here to support and help people instead of finding people who would help me but to be honest, I'm so broken I would actually talk about my problems. But I'll put a twist to it. Just to make it a fair entry. I'll make several entries to fill up my blog since I've been neglecting it for so long. I'll make it up to you guys (who?) lol. I promise.

For this entry, I'll be talking about the first problem that started my rough month. I know this may sound pathetic but it was a break up. A clean heartbreaking break up. A very very one-sided heartbreak if you ask me. He left me over his own reasons that I still don't understand. I've been considering whether to tell you guys what bothered me the most about the break up & I decided to keep it a hush. Let's just say, it was devastating. Truly truly devastating. But it got me thinking; who can you possibly love when even the nicest people can turn into your worst nightmare?

Love is not about the happy moments or the crazy dates. It's nothing about that because you know what? People can EASILY make you happy. It's anyone and everyone's job so it's no surprise that they make you happy. The true challenge is being there for them when they look messy, broken and simply abnormal. It's when you stay with them for their downs and you fight for them no matter what goes on with life. It's the sacrifice you make for your freedom. Restricting yourself from the wrong people that would hurt your partner anyhow. It's about completing one another.

My mistake was for falling for him for his ups, because he had no downs. And apparently, I have too much downs. Too much flaws for him to handle. He had none, at first; until true colors became clear enough for me to see what a big mistake he was. I was too comfortable with the love he gave me until I was clueless that he had too much love to be given to one person only. Well, you get the idea, no? He was a heartless man with too much love to be given to. Simply too much. My mistake for chasing him. My mistake for letting him back in my life after being left so many times. I only had one reason for my act. I was actually happy.

But that comes back to my first point. Love is not about being happy. It's about finding someone that would fight for you even through all your bullshit because they love you that much. I was happy when I was with him but did he fight for me? No, he did not. Is that what love is about? It's definitely not. So think twice before you say you love anyone because if they don't fight for you, they don't accept your flaws, they don't stand up for you, that is not love. No matter how good they are at making your day, making you carve a smile on that face. If it's not love, it's not love.

Till the next entry.

Sincerely,
The Abstruse Writer