#7

“I’M LONELY”

A phrase often said by teenagers, and I’m one of them. I’m currently lonely. I’m alone. I’m around the people I love the most, but I feel lonely. I feel like walking the earth alone no matter how many people I have walking beside me. Let’s face it, I’m probably the loneliest teenager in my neighborhood. Probably because I have everyone I need but to them, I’m no one the need. It’s a really one-sided relationship I have with everyone around me.

“I’m still alone.”

I have to remind myself everyday that I have people I love around me because they make me feel like I’m nothing. By the end of the day, I’m the one who gives reassurance that I mean something because most of the time, I’m nothing. I try my best to be happy but my effort would go down the drain every time I get shut down by the people I talk to. They never care about what I have to say because I’m never smart enough to speak my opinion.

“You’re going to be alone, forever.”

Whispered my echoes. Even I don’t like myself. Why would anyone stick around? I’m not interesting like them, I don’t drink or smoke like them, I don’t sleep around like them. I don’t have great stories to tell them. I sit in my room and write to myself because that’s where I find peace. I’m not good enough for them, am I? I don’t have a body to be stared, I don’t have the looks nor the hair. I’m an average. Nothing interesting. No wonder they leave. All of them.

“Nobody needs you.”

The monsters inside my mind reminds me everyday, without fail. Truth is, I don’t need anymore reminders. Reality says it all. I realize where I stand. I can’t be like them. I just can’t. I’m not how society thinks I am. I can never be that girl they expect me to be. I prefer crying in my room alone to feel better, not drink alcohol. I prefer starving myself when I’m stressed out, not stuff ice cream in my mouth. I’m actually very different. Bad different.

“You’re disgusting.”

That one statement I’m sick and tired of listening. It’s not like I don’t know it already. I’m sorry I don’t send my body to a shop so they would repair all my flaws. I like my flaws because they make me who I am. I don’t have a barbie face. I don’t go for weekly facial treatments, waxing, threading or anything like that. I don’t wear make up, ever. I keep myself natural and flawful when I go out because that’s who I am.

“You are such an embarrassment.”

An embarrassment? My whole life is an embarrassment. I don’t make my parents proud. I don’t make my friends happy. I don’t make my boyfriend blessed. Because I can only make people unhappy. I’m not good at making people feel delighted around me. They never listen to me. Because I’m not as important as everyone else. I’m different, and I’m awful. People think twice before befriending me. They reject whenever I invite them for hang outs. They don’t want to be caught being around me in public. Wow, I am really terrible.

“Just kill yourself.”

You think I didn’t try? You think dying is easy? It takes the right equipment, timing and privacy. I get none of them. My parents won’t let me go anywhere near a knife. No one would leave me alone in the room when I’m depressed because they know what I would do. Every time I attempt something, someone WILL interrupt me. Is it fate that I’m not meant to die yet? Only God knows. I don’t want to leave the people I love behind, but they want me to go. Why is life being a teen so difficult?

Most of the time, I’m suicidal. I think about death a lot. Too much for a teenager like me. I like living, but death sounds like a perfect getaway. I’m smart enough to know life after death won’t be beautiful for people who commits suicide but no one would attempt suicide for fun. I’m tired of being everyone’s second choice. I’m my parents’ second choice. My best friends’ third choice maybe? I can rely on my boyfriend. He’s been there for me when I cry and when I laugh. Because he wants to be there for my best and worst. I also rely on my best friends. They are everything to me. Unlike some people, they only need me when I’m at my best so that they don’t have to listen to my burdening stories. No one cares, dear self. Snap out of it!

“You can go through this. It’s just another suicidal phase. Everyone loves you. They need you”

I remind myself every time I feel this way. Surprisingly, it helps me a lot. I need you right now. I need you to give me strength because without you, I’m weaker than my usual weak self. You give me strength, and you give me hope. I wish everyone would treat me the way you do. Life would be decent for me. But no, everyone has their important people. I’m just not one of them.

“It’s okay, dear self. Everything is going to be fine and it will get better”

I chant in my mind. I can make things better without anyone’s help. I don’t need to self harm or take pills. I can just do what I always do. Watch movies? Call my boyfriend? Listen to music? Anything to keep my mind off such horrible ideas like suicide or anything like that.

“Just don’t hurt yourself anymore, dear self. You’re better than this”

I say, as tears stream down my face. I’m not the strong girl you think I am. I may be quiet, but I’m not strong. You don’t know the meaning of strong until you go through the loneliness I feel everyday. I just wish one day, people would say I mean something to them. For once, I want to feel important. And if possible, I want to hear it before I go. Please, at least let me go in peace. I want to feel happiness. Just like normal teenagers do. I’m not strong. I need happiness too.

Sincerely,

The Abstruse Writer