#18

A massacre of desolation is what I am for the past few months. Indeed, I was away. But I wasn't missed. And I'm sure that's all that matters honestly. Anyhow, hi. It's been quite a while. My life has been a wreck lately. It was a long, sweet, painful but brilliant wreck. The ones where you come back, begging for more. Yes, that's basically my life for the past 4 months? 5 months? In another words, my life is amazingly sorrow.

Where do I start? Honestly I have absolutely no clue. This could just be an introduction for my NEW new beginning. I'm emphasizing new twice because I've been wanting to start fresh several times but it's all just another fail I can laugh at. Currently, I'm going for my 5th "new start" and I hope to keep this one real and alive. Slowly, but surely.

Blogging will be compulsory for me from now on. I'll try to put up at least 2 entries weekly. It's not that I wasn't on my laptop or anything. It's just that every time I switch it on, I get stuck on YouTube for at least 15 hours watching weird sitcoms and not blog at all. So from now on, I'll probably blog before I do anything whenever I switch my laptop on. That's a quest for me to fulfill.

I know my blog is nothing compelling but it's quite a hobby for me. I blog for myself. If you were to read my blog, that would be for yourself, not me. I entertain myself and no one else.

However, I enjoy blogging to help some people out there. Closeted people, introverts, or anyone to be perfectly honest. I like posting entries that motivates people or anyone that picks up interest. My point is, I enjoy what I do and I'll keep doing it when I can. It may not captivate you but that's not what I'm here for so deal with it, I guess?

My next entry would be helpful for those with a sick heart who constantly envies happy people. Especially when it has completely nothing related to them. They just have awful sickness in their hearts that absolutely needs help. Until then, laters.

Sincerely,
The Desolated Writer

#17

Let's just say, I'm pressing the "Restart" button for my life because that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to delete every negative vibe I can possibly delete & replace them with amazing positive ones. Why? Because a wise father once told me to take the good in bad. Apparently, my bad is all bad so why not throw away the bad and take the good I pushed away for the bad. Make sense, no? I'll enlighten you here.

I've always been mean to myself all these years. I cared about what people thought. I organized everyone's happiness but forgot my own. I let people take me for granted because back then, I thought I don't have anyone else. But when I thought deeper, I do have other people. So much more people. A negative thought will destroy your life and all the happiness in it.

I literally thought I didn't have friends, back then. But now I realize I have so many friends I pushed away because I thought my old "friends" were true to me. I was proven wrong for the past few months. I want to deeply apologize to my old friends whom I neglected for so long. I know how it feels and I'm really really sorry. It took me a month to see what true friends I have behind me, supporting me at all times when my "friends" were dissing me. I'm contented, blessed even, to have amazing people like you guys.

I was put to a huge test by God to see how good I am with patience and let me be the first to say that to be very honest, I took the test really nicely. I wasn't triggered to repeat my old mistakes like self-harming or cussing like an idiot. All I did was pray. Pray that I get a huge and useful lesson from the test and you know what? I really did.

Life is not about what you have, had or will have. It's about how you're grateful with no matter what you have. Test or blessing, be grateful with all. Because life is way too short to regret anything. And it's also too short to be wasted on chasing people who's not worth your time. Trust me, no one is worth your time but God.

Truth be told, I'm not a pious lady myself. I'm not deeply devoted to my religion. To me, not deep enough; will never be deep enough. But I know well enough that God will always be there if you call upon Him. And when you're in trouble, only God is worth being called upon because He gave you the test, He will grade you, He will determine whether you failed or aced the test. So why ask someone else to grade your test for God? It's His and only His job.

By the end of the day, we're put on Earth to prepare for our ukhrawi as perfect as we possibly can, & never for duniawi. Yes, we sometimes may slip on our own words but true people will stand up, make up for it and improve. As I said before, I'm not a pious lady. I'm nowhere near being reverent whatsoever but I make up for it, & improve. I believe everyone should in order to make this world a better place for the next generation.

More to come.

Sincerely,
The Abstruse Writer

#16

I really don't want to procrastinate because once I start, it takes forever to stop. Anyway, hey guys. Part 2 of my part 2. The entry earlier. I'm here to make sure you people make the right choices because I always see tweets about being there for a friend but a friend isn't there for them when they need it. Why? Maybe because your friend isn't a friend enough to do his/her job as one. What is a friend? What are the signs that shows he/she is a good friend? Time for some enlightening lol

A friend is someone who is willing to go through rough moments with you. Someone who would stand up for you when you're in trouble. Or simply a friend who would listen to your problems and do whatever it takes to make you smile. Friends are people who wouldn't mind going through pain just for you because he/she is a good enough person to have a heart. A friend is someone who cares about you, and about your life problems. Someone who has a heart, basically.

Why are you making the wrong friends? It doesn't matter how long you've been friends with them, or how much you both have in common. If they don't treat you as a friend, you shouldn't treat them like one. Just please don't waste your time on someone who doesn't make time for you. Don't swim across the sea for someone who wouldn't even jump a puddle for you. It's simple as that.

Choosing your friends may sound difficult but it's actually not. Those cliques you hang around with till the end of the day, do you honestly think they would be there for you when the distance is far away? Some might. If they are your true best friends. But I believe 80% of the "best friends" you make in high school would probably turn into strangers once you go on your own separate ways. Don't believe me? Just wait.

Maybe for the first few months, you might still keep in contact with them. But what happens in a few years? When everyone is busy doing assignments, raising a family, taking care of their folks. You think you can "hang" the way you used to back in the old days? I don't really think so. If they can't be there for you during the good times, what makes you think they'll be there for you for your hard moments in life?

Everyone has their own problems and while trying to settle them, we gain more problems trying to solve other people's issues. Only a true friend would sacrifice to help you get through your problems while the others would just hear it out of curiosity. This is only the cold truth. Ending high school with 2 or 3 best friends would be a blessing. They will stay for you through thick and thin. Not those fake "happy cliques" who constantly back stabs each other.

Why waste your time? If you know they're not good friends, then stop befriending them. It's the easiest thing to do. You may lose them but they lost a really good friend and in my opinion, they're the ones losing. Not you. A good friend is made for another good friend. A fake friend? They'll be given a fake friend and one day, karma will hit them. Cliche, I know. But I believe in karma. I've experienced it so many times.

I've been having writer's block since the beginning of the entry therefore, I'm ending this with a cliffhanger. Sorry guys. It's 10:45 pm here in Malaysia. Stay safe wherever you guys are.

Until next entry.

Sincerely,
The Abstruse Writer

#15

Ready for part 2, guys? Time to continue my stories about the rough month I had. This issue, like the first one, sounds pathetic as well. If a break up doesn't sound pathetic to you, losing a best friend might. Do I really have to go in to details because I might say something wrongly. Nonetheless, I'm going to enlighten you people about the horror I had to go through during this time period. First, an introduction about the matter.

I had a best friend. Been there for me for 8 years & I enjoyed every moment. Until true colors appeared. Truly obvious. It was horrendous. Reality is, I've been in this situation way too many times, by the same person, over probably the same reason too. I'm just dumb enough to let her back in my life because I've given her everything but she never appreciates me. Also, I can't name one thing she's ever given me other than a good laugh.

Not to sound like a total brat whatsoever but it's the ugliest truth people has to face. No matter how much effort you put on someone, they'll be disgusting enough to not learn to appreciate. I don't understand why. It's so difficult to tell a story because no matter what I say or do, I'll always be a hot topic for her to mock. She can pretend like it's not true but reality is, I have friends who are loyal enough to tell me the things she said. But in my opinion, it's fine. I don't forgive her. And I don't expect her to forgive me since I didn't do the shit she does to me so I won't need it anyway. Story time!

One day, she suddenly decided to hate me. Just out of the blues. She would talk about me in front of me. Point and laugh. Whisper and laugh. At that point, I was truly clueless. What went wrong? Didn't matter to me because she does that to other people with me so I figured, it's just a lifestyle for her to talk about others. Not a problem to me. Until people started telling me about this ONE lie. Just one rumor she started spreading that ticked me off. That was the last straw for a liar like her so I talked to the only person I trusted, my ex.

Little did I know, he would tell his best friends about my issues. And coincidentally, his best friend was dating her. And then drama started when he knew about this matter. I was indignant at the lies she told people so I told him the story. Maybe, just maybe, the story wasn't true TO HER but it was the truth I was told by eyewitnesses. Who am I supposed to believe? People in the situation or a backstabber? Go figure. Anyway, I told my ex's best friend about the problem I was going through and surprisingly, he was helping me. But she had the nerves to tell everyone that what I told him was a lie? And told people the reason she's sending so much hate is because I told one lie? That lie wasn't even a lie. It's what I was told from so many people. And I only told him the story because initially, she sent so much hate first.

What do you guys think? She sent hate for no reason and when I do one thing about it, she says that that's the reason behind her rudeness. And she's been telling people I'm two-faced? Wow. Just wow. I would really like to know your opinion about this. This is the most general way I can tell the story. Because I don't give other people bad names unlike her. If you're self-inflicted over this entry, you must be doing something wrong. I don't always rant but this matter is truly pointless. What did I do wrong? And what did she do "right"?

It doesn't matter, to be honest. She's been like this since forever. Using me since only God knows when. Her behavior is awful and I'm glad I lost her. I may lose a best friend but I didn't lose in life. God basically saved me from the horror of befriending the wrong people. However, God gave me 4 incredible people in my life. And individually, they're better than a million of the "best friend" I lost. Yeah, that's how awful her true colors are. I don't need her. I don't need her forgiveness either. I'm sure I did nothing wrong to her. Wouldn't forgive her for the b-crap she did behind my back tho. It's really not my problem.

Initially, I wanted to talk about "true friends" but I guess I'll do that in another entry since I've talked so much in this one. If you're inflicted by the entry, it's not my problem. I'm a forgetter but I'm definitely not a forgiver to those who aren't even sorry. None of my concerns about what happens to their life afterwards. I'm blessed with the people I have now, with God by my side always. I'm already the luckiest girl in the world. :)

Next post coming up!

Sincerely,
The Abstruse Writer

#14

I know I know. I blog way too seldom to be named a "blog" but I swear I have my reasons. For the past couple of weeks, my life has been at its worst. I really hate talking about my personal weakness but it's the least I can do for not blogging often. Well, no one cares about how often I blog but I just feel like I should at least have the courtesy to explain myself. Such a one-sided introduction but whatever. As I said before, my life has been awful lately. Really really really bad. I was at the point where I thought I didn't have to live because the pain was somehow "unbearable" at first. But surprisingly, things got better.

I would love to sit around and express about my rough month but what benefit will any of you get from it? I'm here to support and help people instead of finding people who would help me but to be honest, I'm so broken I would actually talk about my problems. But I'll put a twist to it. Just to make it a fair entry. I'll make several entries to fill up my blog since I've been neglecting it for so long. I'll make it up to you guys (who?) lol. I promise.

For this entry, I'll be talking about the first problem that started my rough month. I know this may sound pathetic but it was a break up. A clean heartbreaking break up. A very very one-sided heartbreak if you ask me. He left me over his own reasons that I still don't understand. I've been considering whether to tell you guys what bothered me the most about the break up & I decided to keep it a hush. Let's just say, it was devastating. Truly truly devastating. But it got me thinking; who can you possibly love when even the nicest people can turn into your worst nightmare?

Love is not about the happy moments or the crazy dates. It's nothing about that because you know what? People can EASILY make you happy. It's anyone and everyone's job so it's no surprise that they make you happy. The true challenge is being there for them when they look messy, broken and simply abnormal. It's when you stay with them for their downs and you fight for them no matter what goes on with life. It's the sacrifice you make for your freedom. Restricting yourself from the wrong people that would hurt your partner anyhow. It's about completing one another.

My mistake was for falling for him for his ups, because he had no downs. And apparently, I have too much downs. Too much flaws for him to handle. He had none, at first; until true colors became clear enough for me to see what a big mistake he was. I was too comfortable with the love he gave me until I was clueless that he had too much love to be given to one person only. Well, you get the idea, no? He was a heartless man with too much love to be given to. Simply too much. My mistake for chasing him. My mistake for letting him back in my life after being left so many times. I only had one reason for my act. I was actually happy.

But that comes back to my first point. Love is not about being happy. It's about finding someone that would fight for you even through all your bullshit because they love you that much. I was happy when I was with him but did he fight for me? No, he did not. Is that what love is about? It's definitely not. So think twice before you say you love anyone because if they don't fight for you, they don't accept your flaws, they don't stand up for you, that is not love. No matter how good they are at making your day, making you carve a smile on that face. If it's not love, it's not love.

Till the next entry.

Sincerely,
The Abstruse Writer

#13

"I'm alright"

The most subjective way to describe how you're feeling. By being "alright". Truth is, there are so many types of being alright such as "my life is so perfect I can never be happier" alright or "why is my life so unfair I want a new life" alright or the most famous and will be discussed on this entry kind of alright; "my life is unstable and I'm too tired to fix it". Why is it so famous? Because it describes us teens really perfectly. Everything is going on too fast. We need time to breathe, look at the clouds and remember how great life is. Unfortunately, we don't get such time because we're being pressured to study, face drama, make friends, keep the friends we have, make truce with our enemies, impress society (NOPE), solve our problems, face insecurities, dietaries, work outs, extra curriculum activities and SO MUCH MORE. How are we teens supposed to catch up with all of this and have the time to stop and look at the clouds? The ugly truth is, we don't, if you believe it that way. We have too much going on and we don't have time to lack off. Heck, we don't even have time to actually sleep. This topic is really subjective as well. So today, I'm going to tell you how to manage your time and to solve this crisis every teen is going through. Probably going to do it part by part so follow my blog to stay updated! 

In this entry, I'm going to explain to you why you have this problem, and how to slowly overcome it. First and foremost, if you're a teen and you feel like your life means nothing and you're so tired of living this life, push away EVERYTHING that's burdening you and just look at the clouds for an hour or so. Put on your earphones and play some calm music to accompany you. Relax your mind and have a good time for yourself. After all, you deserve it. Here me out! We have the same issue. All of us. No matter how smart, or lazy, or wealthy, or popular you are, you will encounter the same issue. It's all about the exhaustion. Because you think you have no time for yourself. That is what society makes you believe but actually, you have more than enough. When was the last time you actually put down your phone, go to the park and just lie down to look at the clouds? Because I do that every week and my life feels like it starts over every single week. The key to happiness is gratitude. Be grateful with what you still have and use it wisely. 

Yes, you have to focus on your studies. And yes, you have to pull yourself together everyday. But nobody ever said you have to socialize a lot to be happy. Nope. I do not find happiness in that at all and I think everyone shouldn't either. Drama on Twitter? Whatsapp? School? POINTLESS!!! Ever heard of the saying "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all"? Well that's more than enough to explain what not to do. And that's talking. Socializing. It's a want, not a need. If you constantly waste your time doing things you want and neglect the things you're supposed to do to actually make you happy, you're calling trouble upon yourself. You don't have to be popular to be happy. I would know. I've been an underdog for years and I know how it feels to walk around school corridors knowing that NO ONE gives a crap about you. I've been there, I've done that. And you know what? I survived. 

I know it sounds scary to be alone but nobody knows how to make yourself happy but the body carrying the soul itself. You may think you need a best friend, a relationship or guy best friends to be happy but you know what I think? You just need to be grateful. If you're not grateful with what you have, you will never find your true happiness. Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night thinking you have absolutely no reason to live? If you have, did you go pray, thanking God for the life you're currently living and seek for forgiveness for doubting His Mightiness? Because if you didn't, you have to rethink the way you run your life because you're not grateful at all. The best thing you can have in your life is an actual life. And millions of people are begging to come back to life. To live the life they once had, all over again. Do you think they actually get such chance? No. You still have a life so spend it wisely.

If you're grateful with the body you have, the hair you have, the face, the friends, the family, and even the enemies, you would realize that life isn't that bad after all. It's all about perspectives. If you think your life is bad because you're not a size 0, you will live every single day of your life thinking you don't deserve to live because you're not skinny enough. Compared to someone who accepts their body as it is, living a happy life. Which one would you prefer? Gratitude is everything. There's no use of trying to be happy if you can't be grateful with the life you have because that is already the biggest blessing. Want more? Put effort and pray for it. Blessings won't come falling down like rain. Note that.

Sincerely,

The Abstruse Writer

#12

I have put this entry under consideration probably 47 times and I have thought enough. This HAS to be expressed one way or another. I have a question for you. Define "lover" in your own ways. Is it someone that will make you happy when you're feeling neutral? Or someone that will make you laugh like you're high when you're crying your eyeballs out? I'm about to give you an explanation of how I define a "lover" and then you evaluate your partner yourselves alright? These are the little things that you have to think through before you accept ANYONE in your life. Be it as a best friend, or a significant other. Here they are.

NUMBER ONE

Making you smile is clearly an important step they have to do to win a person's heart but the real question is how they make you smile, why they make you smile, when they make you smile and how it affects them, when you smile. Firstly, how. How does your partner make you smile? By buying you flowers because you retweeted a post saying that makes a girl happy? Or by buying you expensive perfumes because they assume you don't have tons of them already? Or the best way is by using their own methods they learn from being close to you. Personal experience, he would sing this specific song, in a specific tone, and at a specific speed, because he knows that makes me smile.Why? Because he studies the little things about me. And that is very important. Okay next, why? Why do they make you smile? This can be related to my last question which is how smiling can affect their life. The only reason anyone should be making you smile is because they feel like it's crucial to see those lips curve to form a smile. When you smile, they feel like a winner. I hate using personal references but I write my blog from life experiences so I apologize. Anyway, he would usually let me win an argument and I would be the child I am, smiling from ear to ear. Little did I know he had a different intention for letting me win the argument. He told me he was winning because he gets to see my smile. I know, it's cheesy and very typical. But it's always about the little things. Lastly, when they make you smile. It's actually a very good question. I know of a relationship where the man would make her girl feel special in every way but would leave her when she's upset because he was scared of how angry she was. That is a total no no. He should be making you happy no matter how he felt. Why? Because when she's smiling, he would be happy as well. According to my grandparents, that is true love. Put this in your considering box and think about it at night when you have useless thoughts that keeps you awake at 3 am. Would you want someone who is afraid to make you happy, or someone who puts his life goals to see you smile? Think.

NUMBER TWO

We can tell how much we mean to someone by the effort they put for us. It doesn't matter if it's the effort in texting us, or meeting us. It's definitely the effort that counts. Would you really want a man who would only text you when they have nothing else to do? That obviously means they don't put you first. Why give your all to someone who gives you his least? Why give someone your time when he doesn't appreciate it and doesn't put effort to spend time on you? Life is all about making the right choices. Or, learn from the wrong ones. Being busy is one thing but if he's just chilling all day all night and only calls you before going to bed, that's not good enough for someone who constantly misses him, texts him, calls him, all day trying to get to him. He doesn't put enough effort? Dump him and find someone that would. You KNOW you deserve better. You don't have to be with him just because you love him. Some people are meant to love, but was never meant to be together. Unfortunately, I had to learn that the hard way. Being with someone means you have to feel special. He would do anything to make you smile. He settles for nothing less. That is what true happiness is. And if you're not happy in a relationship, you're just defeating the purpose of being in one in the first place. Think about priorities. If you put them first, be sure that they put you first as well. At least, second. It's all about understanding.

NUMBER THREE

Are they scared of losing you? Would they fight for you? Does he think you're the one? Vice versa? This is important. A relationship will either lead you to a horrible break up that will scar you for a long time, or it leads to a happy marriage and being in love for eternity. Now, do you think he's the one? Because if you don't, LEAVE HIM. You have absolutely no reason to be with anyone if you think you're doing it for fun. There are only two roads in a relationship. And it definitely won't go both ways. Think about it. If you're too young to think about marriage, why bother be in a relationship? Because that is where a relationship will lead you one day. Either that, or an awful break up. If you think you wouldn't want to go through the latter, I suggest you rethink your decisions. There are only two ways in a relationship and there's nothing in between. Don't waste your time thinking about marriage at such a young age. Don't be in a relationship. It's easy as that. My parents planned my future since the day I was born so I really don't have much to think about. Just need to make the right decisions and learn from the wrong ones for now. If you think you're being in a relationship because you love him, tell me this. Why would you love someone knowing you're going to marry someone else one day? I don't know, man. A relationship seems pointless if you're doing it because you think he's cute or because he swept you off your feet. Who you marry, is already determined by God. So why would you put effort on someone you don't even want to marry? Let God do His job and just have fun with life. If you think you're going to marry your lover one day, put effort. Don't say I didn't warn you.



Pretty sure that's all I have to say FOR NOW. I have so much more to point out but probably next time. This has been a great session for me to secretly rant but you people don't have to know that. I just hope you guys aren't dating the wrong people. It's always great to know you're happy with life and not have a bad night every night. Think about it, alright.

Sincerely,
The Abstruse Writer